September 2008
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9/5/08 07:49 pm
i am in essence of labyrinthine feeling justaxposed in glass I used too many syllables. but who the fleef cares. it's my haiku.
6/12/08 04:11 pm
An awesome friend from Alberta came for a visit and yesterday, I got taken out to a movie and then supper afterwards.
The movie was Ironman. TEWTELLY AWESOME!!!! I don't remember the last time I went to a grown up movie, and I can't remember the last time I was on a date. YEARS. I knew the movie was gonna be good, but it exceeded my expectations. And I'm very critical of superhero movies.
I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD GO SEE IT IN THE THEATRE!!! I would have never have been able to afford a theatre ticket on my own, and this evening was an extra special event.
And then we went to a restaurant called Kelseys, and I had a Buffalo Chicken sammich and a side caesar salad. Soooo nummy. I ate almost the whole thing, there was just a bit of bun and a tiny piece of lettuce left over.
I have been told by a fellow LJer that I need to make more positive posts. Yeahhh i knowes :) I have been in pain a lot and I have been forgetting to include the good bits in my life. It's very easy to forget.
I don't want any of you thinking I DON'T have any good bits. I have a lot. My sons, my Personal Development class, my pets, my weekly lunches with my dad, lots.
So there u go, dude, there's my positive post :) *hugs* Love ya!
4/8/08 10:18 am
Woke up to a text that said i had an email in hotmail from stepmum. I felt attacked, even though she said she wasn't attacking me. She sent it both to me and my mom, so I'll ask my mom how she feels about it later, because my perspective on these things is always skewed. I could copy and paste it all here, but I doubt that you would read it.
Plans for this afternoon?
- cash cheque from unEmployment Insurance
- declare the money i got from unEmployment Insurance at the welfare office so they can y
ank it back deduct it from next months' welfare cheque.
- go to the collections office and pay 1/2 of what i owe the Ambulance Company for my little trip to the ER last summer. Did you know it costs $300 CDN to Not Die?
- go to H&R Block and get Them to do my taxes for me. Hopefully I will get something this year.
- If I've been a good girl, I may stop by the toy store and look around a bit. It might make me smile.
NemFX says: anything i can do to cheer you up? ~*~* EllieBerry *~*~ says: not really, no. but thanks. i'm okay. NemFX says: *is still worried* ~*~* EllieBerry *~*~ says: i went to sleep without my meds, had a rough sleep, slept too long, had nightmares, woke up and read an ikky email, have a shitty day ahead of me where i have to give money that i got from the provincial government BACK to the provincial government.... NemFX says: how come? ~*~* EllieBerry *~*~ says: got money from EI (Employment Insurance).....welfare's yanking it back. ~*~* EllieBerry *~*~ says: it foking soks. ~*~* EllieBerry *~*~ says: THEY'RE ROBBING THEMSELVES TO PAY THEMSELVES BACK!!! *whimpers and goes fetal* ~*~* EllieBerry *~*~ says: they shouldn't have given it to me anyway. NemFX says: *snuggles and worries* ~*~* EllieBerry *~*~ says: i'm cancelling my EI. ~*~* EllieBerry *~*~ says: DAMN i can't. ~*~* EllieBerry *~*~ says: grrrrh. they're using humans as a way to shift money around NemFX says: *softly kisses* just settle okay? getting all worked up right now wont help anyone ~*~* EllieBerry *~*~ says: grrrh ~*~* EllieBerry *~*~ says: i wish i could just be somebody's pet cat. NemFX says: same NemFX says: *pets you and scratches behind your ears* Here's teh quiz, and here's THE WEBLINK if you want to take it. For some reason it didn't give me proper coding so that the usual clicky-thingy showed up for you to "take this test now!" 
Neurodiversity version 4 (2008-04-05) Thank you for filling out this questionnaire.
Your neurodiversity (Aspie) score: 114 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 95 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie (neurodiversity) and neurotypical traits
| Diagnostic prediction for | Score | Prediction | | ADD/ADHD (Attention Deficit Disorder) | 152 | You very likely will be able to receive the diagnosis | | Social phobia | 140 | You very likely will be able to receive the diagnosis | | OCD | 96 | This isn't a primary diagnosis you should seek | | Asperger/HFA/PDD | 93 | This isn't a primary diagnosis you should seek | 
7/8/06 05:01 pm
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read over my userinfo page,
leave me a comment,
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on Your userinfo page.
5/5/06 01:09 pm
I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes
I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here
I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.
What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go
I'm the funniest woman that you've ever known
I'm the dullest woman that you've ever known
I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here
4/27/06 11:09 am
oh baby.....i can't believe it. It's the coming of the messiah...okay, well not really, but close.
It's.........
CLERKS II !!!!!!!
'nuff said.
Thanks Mark!!!!!!!! *grinning endlessly*
oh, in an unrelated story but still just as earth shattering,
my kitten peed on my blanket while i was sleeping under it. What Have I Done to Deserve This??
4/23/06 09:43 pm
Once you are tagged you MUST write a blog entry about your 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next six people to be tagged and list their names.
1. I pick my nose (apparently i'm not the only one!!!)
2. I lose my patience very quickly.
3. i am a first born daddy's girl, which means I'm used to getting what I want.
4. I'm addicted to chocolate. I really am. If I don't have a bit of chocolate every day it drives me crazy.
5 I am obsessed with my armpits. I can't STAND it when I have sweaty armpits. I buy the strongest antiperspirant I can get my hands on and if my armpits happen to sweat I'll change my shirt...sometimes sevral times in a day.
6. I think that cyber sex is the stupidest thing EVAH. I don't have a webcam (although it's the $ issue that's holding me back) and most of the time if the opportunity to engage in cybering comes up I'll almost definitely be giggling through the whole thing and wanting it to be over.
my tagees:
I TAG EVERYONE WHO READS THIS!!!! Don't try to get out of it, I can see you!!!
4/21/06 11:41 am
Today the sun is shining and the wind is warm. We're going to go for a picnic at a park by the river. We're going with a friend and his son, whom the boys love to play with. (DANGLING PREPOSITION!!!!!!!) Let me try that again. His son, with whom the boys love to play. There, is that better?
I finally got a tweezer so i can fix my eyebrows. They were starting to look like two catepillars trying to kiss. But not any more! The world is an easier place to deal with when you have perfectly groomed eyebrows.
4/13/06 02:20 pm
1. Put your playlist on shuffle.
2. Post lyrics from the first 20 songs under an LJ cut.
3. See who can guess the song title and artist.
4. When someone guesses the title and artist correctly, strikeout the song.
NO CHEATING!!!!
1. If travel is searching, and home what's been found. I'm not stopping. I'm going hunting. I'm the hunter. I'll bring back the goods, but I don't know when.
2. I didn't hear you leave, I wonder how am I still here? And I don't want to know a thing, it might change my memory.
3. I can be an asshole of the grandest kind. I can withhold like it's going out of style. I can be the moodiest baby, and you've never met anyone as negative as I am sometimes.
4. You think you're denying me of something. Well, I've got plenty. You're the one who's missing out, but you won't notice. Till after 5 years, if you live that long. You'll wake up all loveless.
5. Just before our love got lost you said, "i am as as constant as a northern star" and I said "constantly in the darkness? where's that? If you need me I'll be in the bar."
6. When you were here before, couldn look you in the eye. You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry. You float like a feather, in a beautiful world. I wish i were special, you're so fucking special. "Creep" by Radiohead, thanks ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) skip_hunter
7. Peddaling through the dark currents I find an accurate copy, a blueprint of the pleasure in me. A secret code carved. He offers a handshake, crooked, five fingers. They form a pattern yet to be matched.
8. Think I'll go for a walk now, i feel a little unsteady. Don't want no one to follow me, 'cept maybe you. I could make you happy, if you weren't already. I could do a lot of things, and I do.
9. It's been seven hours and fifteen days since you took your love away. I go out every night and sleep all day since you took your love away. Since you been gone i can do whatever I want, I could see whomever I choose. I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant, but nothing, i said nothing can take away these blues. "nothing compares 2 u" by Sinead O'Connor, thanks skip_hunter
10. If I could turn the page, in time i'd rearrange just a day or two. (close my, close my, close my eyes) But I couldn't find a way, so I'll settle for one day to believe in you. "Tell me lies" by Fleetwood Mac, thanks skip_hunter
11. I see trees of green, and red roses too, i watch them bloom for me and you and I think to myself, ____ _ ______ ____. "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong...thanks callthatnvrcame
12. I used to buy my faith in worship, but then my chance to get to heaven slipped. I used to worry about the future, but then I throw my caution to the wind. I had no reason to be carefree, until I took a trip to the other side of town.
13. I've watched the stars fall silent from your eyes. All the sights that I have seen. I can't believe that I believed I wished that you could see. There's a new planet in the solar system. There's nothing up my sleeve. I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs, I"m tossing up punchlines that were never there. Over my shoulder a piano falls, crashing to the ground.
14. Oh no, I see a spiderweb is tangled up with me. And I lost my head, and thought of all the stupid things I'd said. Oh no, what's this? A spiderweb and I"m caught in the middle. So I turn and run, and thought of all the stupid things I'd done.
15. Beauty queen of only 18, had some trouble with herself. He was always there to help her, she always belonged to someone else. Drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door. I've had you so many times but somehow I want more. "She will be Loved" by Maroon 5, thanks nemfx
16. Do you ahve the time to listen to me whine? About everything and nothing all atonce. I am one of those melodramatic fools, neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it. Sometimes I give myself the creeps, sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. It all keeps adding up..... "Basket Case" by Green Day...thanks callthatnvrcame
17. You've left me now and it's seasoned my soul. And with every step you take, I watch another part of you go. I continue to build a wall. You were so strong I fell to my knees. And I don't think I can handle this at all. One more night I'd like to lie and hold you. Yes and feel. To make you smile. I'd like to be there for you. Have you forgotten about me?
18. It's like you're a drug, it's like youre a demon I can't face down. It's like i'm stuck, it's like I'm running from you all the time. And I know I let you have all the power, it's like the only company I seek is misery all around.
19. In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey. Butane in my veins and I’m out to cut the junkie. With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables. Dog food skulls with the beefcake pantyhose. Kill the headlights and put it in neutral. Stock car flamin’ with a loser and the cruise control. Baby’s in reno with the vitamin d. Got a couple of couches, sleep on the love-seat. Someone came in sayin’ I’m insane to complain. About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt. "Loser" by Beck, thanks skip_hunter
20. It's hard to remember how it felt before, now I've found the love of my life. Passes things, get more comfortable, everything is going right. And after all the obstacles It's good to see you now with someone else. And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends.
4/11/06 09:17 pm
"What do you do with pain so bad it has no redeeming value?
It cannot even be alchemized into art, into words,
into something you can chalk up to an interesting experience
because the pain itself, its intensity,
is so great that there is no way to objectify it or push it outside
or find its beauty within.
That is the pain I'm feeling now.
It's so bad, it's useless.
The only lesson I will ever derive from this pain
is how bad pain can be."
"I wish they could know what it's like
to wake up every morning
afraid you're going to live."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
I watched Prozac Nation tonight. Bad mistake, or good mistake? I'm not sure. It dredged up a lot of feelings, mostly bad, for me.
I have Bipolar Disorder type II. All of the depression, sadness, short-temperedness, agitation, anxiety, irrationality, and paranoia of type I, but without all the joyous manic-y goodness. I can feel all of these symptoms seperately, or all at the same time. It's a completely confusing disease - not knowing from one day to the next how I am going to feel today, or even how I will feel five minutes from now. And the worst part of it is that most of the time, I can't judge whether I'm doing well, or if I'm doing poorly. My perspective and self-evaluation skills are completely fucked.
Why this sudden admission, submission, capitulation, to you, my dear readers? I don't know. I'm not excusing myself, I'm not blaming myself, I'm not looking for sympathy. I guess, for me, writing about it helps me to put things into rational perspective-something that for me, is lacking.
So why the quotes at the top of this entry? It's where I found myself tonight. Sometimes depression hits me so hard that nothing else matters, and the only thing I can see or feel is the pain.
4/10/06 03:57 pm
I was forced to spend the day at home waiting for the plumber (stupid old apartment building!!!) so I spent some time searching for lj communities that peaked my interest.
I came across a few that deal with the Maggie Gyllenhaal movie "Secretary," which is my favourite movie of all time. There are not very many people where I live (a city of 600,000 vanilla sex people) who have seen the movie, or have even HEARD of the movie.
I finally found a video store that carried a DVD copy of it and boy was I happy! I must have watched it a hundred times before I had to return it.
Someone suggested I watch "Crash" if I liked "Secretary," so I'm currently downloading it (did I just say that? NO, I'm NOT downloading it!!!) to watch later.
I've got kind of an eclectic movie library. Some of my current loves are:
A Clockwork Orange
The Life Aquatic
Anne of Green Gables
The Royal Tennenbaums
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail
Pulp Fiction
Kill Bill I and II
Shaun of the Dead
and
Sin City
Okay, so I must go have a shower and go on with my day...apparently the plumbing is fixed....I just hope that the sewer line doesn't back up while I'm showering.....EEEWWWW sewer feet!!!!!!!!! *gags*
Current Music: "So Pure" by Alanis Morisette
4/7/06 11:30 am
| Your Theme Song is Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd | 
"There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship?s smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves."
You haven't been feeling a lot lately, and you think that's a good thing.
The comfortable part is nice... but you should really work on numb. |
4/5/06 11:02 am
Leave your name and
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST.
Current Music: The rushing mini-waterfall of my aquarium filtration system
3/31/06 02:35 pm
Tim: There he is!
King Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
King Arthur: What? Behind the rabbit?
Tim: It *is* the rabbit!
King Arthur: You silly sod!
Tim: What?
King Arthur: You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
King Arthur: Ohh.
Tim: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Sir Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Sir Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin: You mangy Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!
Sir Robin: What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim: He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!
King Arthur: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
Sir Bors: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
3/31/06 02:08 pm
| You Belong in Dublin | 
Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions.
You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town. |
|
crappy
enthralled
curious
giggly