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Chrysalis Waiting
03 February 2017 @ 11:34 pm
I wrote this for him before we were both taken away in police cars:

You're sharp as razor-wire, fragile as a dragonfly's wing beat
I try to keep up with the spinning of the wheel, knowing the fickleness time has on one such as yourself; I live by the wheel in like manner.
I don't know the outcome, all I can do is fight for myself as well as you - the effort is stupefying.
True love is amaranthine, i have sorely learned.
Therefore I shall abide, my own wings battered by those less fastidious.
To what end? I know not.
For what else except love is there worth fighting for?
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Current Location: Saskatoon SK Canada
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: sinead o'connor nothing compares 2 u
Chrysalis Waiting
23 November 2016 @ 03:33 pm
I'm the third transparent copy of my ersatz life.
Each copy deliquisced little by little, fading into itself, a non-violent implosion; torn along the fold lines where weary life has expanded and contracted.
I am weakening; my intelligence waning day by day.
When numbness comes, it is welcome; anything except uttermost affectivity.
I am no longer able to fight for the things I want or need. There are not enough fragments dangling from my cognizant self.
There is no end to this, there is no better, there is no option. There is only endless ennui.
Current Mood: ambivalent
Current Music: Sia - Elastic Heart
Chrysalis Waiting
23 November 2016 @ 01:32 am
Does he still like me?
Does he still want me?
Am I good enough?
Should I be more bitchy?
Should I step up the weight loss?
When should I stop the weight loss?\
Should I always wear make up?
Should I always have my hair done?
What do I do when he's here?
What do I do when he's not here?
Why won't he talk to me?
What if I'm not strong enough for him?
What if I need someone to be strong for me?
Do I tell him when I'm having a bad day or do I keep it inside?
Do I put on the smiles and charms when he comes home?
I don't think I'm pretty enough
I don't think that I'm right.
I don't think it's going to work.
Am I going to fall apart if it doesn't work?
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Chrysalis Waiting
20 November 2016 @ 01:33 pm
Mirror pieces in chrysalis
Catch glimpses of psyche
But are transient
Imperminence is my perminence
The greatest of these shards is self-loathing
I don't deserve what I have
And I don't have what I deserve.
Current Location: Canada, Saskatoon
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: justin bieber
Chrysalis Waiting
03 November 2016 @ 12:42 pm
Feeling mixed today.  Things are going great, but my brain is not doing great.  I don't know what to do.
Chrysalis Waiting
30 October 2016 @ 03:18 pm
He loves me.  He's been treating me wonderfully.  We talk about the important stuff, and shrug off the not important stuff.  I love him.  Probably too much.  But this is my opportunity to be happy, and I'm jumping in with my whole being.
Chrysalis Waiting
28 October 2016 @ 05:18 am
I just got my heart broken.  I asked a question that I wasn't prepared to hear the answer to, and now my life is forfeit.  I tried in vain to be the best girlfriend ever and it wasn't enough.  "Can we just be friends?" is the catch phrase of the day.  It's over, and I don't know what to do.  I fell so hard so quickly that I was spinning like a top.  And then I had to go and asked the forbidden question and now I feel like total shit.  I've been rejected and I'm so eternally sad...
Chrysalis Waiting
25 October 2016 @ 04:05 pm

I found this great place to live. Friend of mine was supposed to move in with me and we were going to share the rent. I just signed a contract yesterday. Now this friend has backed out on me and I I'm in a tough situation. I need to find a renter for November 1st and it's going to be practically impossible. I don't know what to do.

Chrysalis Waiting
23 October 2016 @ 11:59 pm
I don't know why I feel so confused.  I just do.
Current Location: Canada, Saskatoon
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: FFDP
Chrysalis Waiting
23 October 2016 @ 02:31 pm
I'm seeing someone right now.  He's nothing but sweet to me.  But he has a temper towards other people sometimes.  I don't know what to do, let it slide?  I told him that I can't be around that because it sets off my anxiety.  Last night he was having a yelling match with one of his roommates and I went into a panic attack. Ugh. Thankfully I'm moving this week, I can be away from drama.  I really like him, like, TONS but it's going to be a struggle, I can see.  He never gets upset at me.  Hopefully it stays that way.  I just cower when people yell and call names.
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Mob Scene - Marilyn Manson