Each copy deliquisced little by little, fading into itself, a non-violent implosion; torn along the fold lines where weary life has expanded and contracted.
I am weakening; my intelligence waning day by day.
When numbness comes, it is welcome; anything except uttermost affectivity.
I am no longer able to fight for the things I want or need. There are not enough fragments dangling from my cognizant self.
There is no end to this, there is no better, there is no option. There is only endless ennui.
Does he still want me?
Am I good enough?
Should I be more bitchy?
Should I step up the weight loss?
When should I stop the weight loss?\
Should I always wear make up?
Should I always have my hair done?
What do I do when he's here?
What do I do when he's not here?
Why won't he talk to me?
What if I'm not strong enough for him?
What if I need someone to be strong for me?
Do I tell him when I'm having a bad day or do I keep it inside?
Do I put on the smiles and charms when he comes home?
I don't think I'm pretty enough
I don't think that I'm right.
I don't think it's going to work.
Am I going to fall apart if it doesn't work?
Catch glimpses of psyche
But are transient
Imperminence is my perminence
The greatest of these shards is self-loathing
I don't deserve what I have
And I don't have what I deserve.
I found this great place to live. Friend of mine was supposed to move in with me and we were going to share the rent. I just signed a contract yesterday. Now this friend has backed out on me and I I'm in a tough situation. I need to find a renter for November 1st and it's going to be practically impossible. I don't know what to do.